The roster is posted.
Your child didn’t make the team.
All of his or her friends did.
Despite staring at the results for several minutes, their name does not magically appear. Your child is devastated. Your heart breaks for them.
This is a monumental parenting moment.
7 Must-Do’s When Your Child Doesn’t Make the Team
How we react to our child being cut from a team will directly impact his ability to cope not only to this disappointment, but the inevitable ones that will follow in his or her life. Your reaction can either discourage them from continuing to pursue the sport he or she loves or foster the resilience needed to handle such rejections.
Temper Your Reactions
As much as you may want to throttle the coach, reacting angrily will only worsen the situation. It is important that your child understand that you are disappointed for her and not in her. Becoming too upset and blaming the coach, saying it is unfair, or challenging the decision will only add to your child’s grief and send the message that they are not good enough.
Validate Your Child’s Feelings
Allow them the space to feel sadness and disappointment. Sympathize with hurt feelings. Actively listen. Hug him or her. Let her know that it is okay and normal to feel discouraged and depressed. Dismissing the situation by saying it is “ok” or “not a big deal” will tend to invalidate feelings. Take a moment and remember for yourself what it feels like to be rejected.
Reassure Your Child that They Still Belong
As kids enter adolescence, their desire to “belong” becomes stronger. Being cut from a team highlights feelings of being different and not belonging. I remind my kids when they feel uncomfortable to remember that their discomfort is likely shared by their peers. All kids suffer disappointment at one time or another. They are not alone in their disappointment and it certainly doesn’t make them abnormal.
Help Your Child Gain Perspective
Getting cut from a team is inevitable for all athletes. Many people are surprised to learn that Michael Jordan didn’t make his high school varsity team. Not making a particular team is a speed bump in an athlete’s journey, not a roadblock.An easy road to achieving one’s goals is unlikely AND no goal worth achieving ever comes easy. How an athlete handles adversity is reflected in his character. When my kids suffer a disappointing loss in a game, I always tell them to remember how they are feeling in that moment. Experiencing defeat will only make future successes more meaningful.
Schedule a Time to Talk Individually with the Coach
This can be very helpful in most situations if your child is age 12 and up. Children tend to focus on being cut as an ultimate rejection and proof that they aren’t good enough. Often talking with the coach will allow kids to acknowledge and feel good about their strengths and identify skill areas that need more work. Sometimes being cut has to do with the availability of certain positions and other factors that are out of the child’s control, not just their inadequacies. It is important that your child confronts the coach in a non-emotional and non-confrontational way, but rather be open to helpful feedback so some time to heal may be needed first.
Teach Your Child the Power of Grace
As hard as it may be for your child, encourage him to congratulate his teammates as well as thank the coach for allowing him to try out. Parents can model this behavior by congratulating the parents of his peers. Learning to respond graciously to rejection will build a child’s resilience and boost his self-confidence. Talking to the coach and touching base with teammates will provide needed closure.
Help Your Child Find the Silver Lining and Regain Confidence
Help him recognize the strengths he or she possesses on and off the mat. Recognize his unique talents whatever they may be. Encourage your child to find strength in the disappointment. Suggest that they channel strong feelings in a positive way by setting new goals. Help them identify what doors opened as a result of him being cut. Will he or she have more time to pursue other activities? Will this rejection motivate your child to work harder to improve weaknesses? Can they pursue their love of cheerleading in a different program or perhaps shine in a less competitive environment?
Just as our kids learn life lessons through cheerleading, parents learn parenting lessons through our children in cheerleading.
This pivotal parenting moment is a golden opportunity.